SOCIAL: Bailout Conditions....

[Eric Arons]

Dear Wall Street,

Hi, this is the lobbyist for a group called The Taxpayers, Debtors, and
Insured People of the United States. Now that we've rejected the first
bailout plan, I'm sure that in the spirit of tough, free market
capitalism, and spirited negotiations, you'll consider our second offer.
Here are some terms that I'm SURE you will find reasonable:

1) We are willing to loan you money at a very low, introductory rate of
8.9%. If you are even one nanosecond late on your payment, your rate
will go from 8.9% to 32.9% instantly. You will have no right to appeal
this. The interest rate increase will be retroactive. None of this "but
I mailed it out Friday" nonsense. We must get it, and the check must
clear, for your payment to count. A reminder: transactions that occur
after 2pm are not credited until the next business day, so be sure to
make your payments before then.

2) If you are late on any of your other payments to your other
creditors, your rate will also be spiked to 32.9%. I know it has nothing
to do with us, but if you are late paying someone else, then OBVIOUSLY
you are a bigger credit risk to us.

3) We will send you onerous terms and conditions 148,000,000 pages long
in 6 point font. Of course, those terms can change on a whim, at any
time, so we'll be sending you hourly updates to the contract, which we
expect you to read and keep up with. Sorry, we will be the only ones
that can amend the contract; you cannot.

4) You will have a predetermined credit line, and if you go over it by
even $1, your interest rate will spike to 54.9%. Sorry, it's in the
contract on page 109,209,392.

5) The bankruptcy laws have now changed. If you get into a bind, I'm
afraid you won't find much sympathy; no more silly excuses will be
accepted. We are going to have the titles to all of your buildings and
physical assets put in our name, so when the inevitable time comes and
you trip up, we'll simply take everything from you. There will be no
court hearing.

6) We'll be conducting a background check, driving records check, drug
test, and disease risk check of all of the top executives of your firm.
After all, you're a riskier loan if you have any of those afflictions,
aren't you? Well, if we find ANYTHING wrong, your interest rate will
skyrocket, instantly, and without notice.

7) If your business is located in a "bad neighborhood", or a "poor
city", or a "hurricane zone", or "flood plane", or "terrorist targeted
city", as defined by us, we can raise your interest rates at any time,
to any rate we choose.

For the last quarter century or so, you've imposed these terms, or some
variation of them on us, when loaning us money or insuring us... arguing
every single time that it's "necessary" and that these sorts of changes
"will result in more profitable companies that will pass the savings
along to consumers". Well, now that we're in the role of lender, and
you're in the role of borrower, we're sure that you'll find these same
terms fair.

Wall Street, prove the cynics wrong and accept our new plan. Prove to
everyone that you're not the hypocrites that everyone thinks you are.

Best regards,

THE TAXPAYERS, DEBTORS, AND INSURED PEOPLES OF THE USA


Offer not valid in all 50 states. Terms, conditions, and interest rates
subject to change at any time without notice. Borrower subject to
intrusive credit, background, education, and criminal checks before
issuance of loan. Upon any dispute, arbitration will be decided by
someone tilted to rule in favor of taxpayers, and not by any indepedant
or otherwise objective authority.
-------------- next part --------------
An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
URL: <http://lists.deeptrouble.com/pipermail/social-deeptrouble.com/attachments/20080930/2c1fcdc0/attachment-0002.htm>